Dear Amy: My husband and I are both seniors. He works full time and I work part time.
We have been married for over 25 years.
He recently told me he had a relationship with a 19 year old girl. When I pressed him for details, he said they had been communicating several times a day and had been in touch every day for the past two years.
I am devastated and repelled by what he told me in his very calm but smug manner. The more I cried, the more sadistic he became.
I kept asking why.
He finally said he wanted someone younger.
I am 13 years younger than him.
He insists that there was no physical intimacy and that he was only trying to help her.
What do you think? Is he just trying to hurt me or maybe destabilize me?
Now there is a horrible divorce to come.
Should I just resign myself to accepting a divorce settlement as proposed, or fight for everything I can get?
I have a lawyer who advised me to figure out our assets and our debts and prepare to divide them, because we live in a no-fault state.
I am already in therapy, but it has not improved my state of mind.
– Heartbroken at 63
Dear broken heart: First this: at 63, you are not quite a “senior” – at least in my opinion.
Your husband, 13 years older than you, certainly is.
I realize that this sudden change in your life is both shocking and heartbreaking, but I wish you could try to think about it in hindsight.
A year from now, your husband will be another old jerk who met the girl of his dreams online – only to be taken to the cleaner, emotionally and / or financially – and probably both.
I’m not suggesting that you engage in a protracted, unpleasant, and costly legal battle – but I suggest that you find a knowledgeable and assertive lawyer who will do some forensic accounting and dig into your marital finances as quickly as possible, and begin the process. checking and dividing – before your husband has had a chance to hide, spend or waste common goods in this new relationship.
As difficult as it can be to face, now is not the time to passively heal your wounds.
Yes, I think your husband is trying to hurt you and reject you, and if he isn’t actively trying to hurt you, then – at the very least – he’s not addressing your anxiety.
Stick to therapy. Think of it as an experience that you should try to have, learning as you go.
Dear Amy: Before the pandemic, I hosted a small group of international students in my home during the holidays. (My kids are attending college out of state.)
My kids were angry with me, saying I had to let them know that strangers will be around so they can do other plans.
Their argument is that they come home to spend time with me and not with people they don’t know.
They feel it’s time for them to catch up and let their hair down.
What are your thoughts?
The program I volunteered with to do this is restarting and has contacted me.
I love being a surrogate mother for students who are so far away from their own families, but I don’t want to alienate my own children.
– Empty nest
Dear empty nest: First this: Do your kids know the story of Thanksgiving? Your hospitality is the reason for this unique vacation!
They react selfishly and their basic motivation is that they just don’t want to share.
However, these experiences can be very powerful for everyone involved; in fact, two of my brothers-in-law met their spouses (international students) under very similar circumstances.
I think you should call their bluff. Give them a warning that you are going to host. And if they don’t want to come home, they might find a generous family in their college town to welcome them.
Dear Amy: “Generous Gram” wrote to you about her grandchildren who did not thank her for her generous monetary gifts.
She should ty: send a check and not sign it. When they call or text to fix the problem, don’t answer.
– Uncle been there
Dear Uncle: Many people responded, suggesting this “don’t sign the check” bet. Looks like a lot of people have “been there”.
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